By Smelly Nuts I recently had a chance to talk to the nipply band the Phatty Bombattys. I met them at their studio in East Side O.B. When i went in, they were all taking monster hits off a 6 foot tall bong in the middle of the room. They welcomed me with a free hit and so the interview began... Smelly Nutz: You have been called one of the most influential bands of the year. What is your view on this? Italian Stallion: Well.... all bands can eat my balls. Jujy Fruit: I once whacked off in public. An old lady laughed at me. Whitebread: Our rise from the ghetto has been considered quite an inspiration for many a crack baby SN: I see, how did you all get your names? JF: Well, nipple. IS: Rocky is my idol. WB: Because i always win at our circle jerks. I leave the bread nice and white. SN: ok. I thought it was because youre the only white person in the band. WB: well, thats a common misconception. you arent the first. JF: yo man, you got any crack? JN: nope, sorry. where does the inspiration for your songs come from? IS: my ballz. WB: our life in the ghetto. growing up in harlem provides us with a lot of inspiration. oh yeah, and we usually get really fucked up before we write the songs. JF: yo man, you got any weed? SN: no i dont, sorry. so, italian stallion, ive heard you are not the first bassist for this band. who was before you? IS: my ballz. JF: his ballz. WB: there was this kid seenis, but he had to go. JN: and why is that? creative differences? WB: yeah, the kid just wasnt straight ghetto style, you know? JN: yeah, but ive heard another story too... IS: oh yeah, the one about my ballz? JN: no, it involved his penis? WB: oh, that story. well he swore us to secrecy on that one. he threatened to do it again if we ever told anyone. JF: my nuts are kinda sweaty. JN: tell me a little about your equipment. WB: well mines actually kinda small. but my nuts are pretty big. IS: my nutz are the size of basketballs. JN: no no thats not what i meant... JF: mine's fuckin huge man! i cant even believe it! hey man, you got any crack? JN: no i still dont have any. i meant what kind of equipment do you use to perform. WB: i'm a trojan man. IS: i'm into that bondage stuff. i always got a mask on when i perform. JF: would you scratch my nuts man? JN: um.. no. Lets stay on track here. When do you guys plan on releasing your new album? And whats its title? JF: Crack Babies WB: Nutsac. IS: Cizznack JN: Umm, which one is it? JF: nutsac. WB: Crack Babies IS: Cizznack JN: Oh I don't care anymore. Next question: Do you plan to tour to promote the new album? IS: You can tour my nuts. JF: Oh! Oh! I want to be the tour guide! WB: yeah, he's even got a "gift shop" for you at the end of the tour. JN: Well, back to the CD, how many songs? IS: 12384.98% WB: . JF: i have 2 gonads JN: *sigh* Are there going to be any special songs or covers on the album? WB: you can cover my ballz JF: I've got a special something for you IS: 12 JN: What are your influences? WB: crack. Its always there in my time of need. IS: my ballz JF: a bong. JN: What're are you guys favorite bands? WB: Gas Huffer. I feel a curious relationship with them. Alien Sex Fiend, because thats what i am. JF: I like The Queers, the Circle Jerks, and my nutsac. IS: Big Pun, Heavy D, Biggie, The Fat Boyz, and Missy Elliot. JN: Well, times running out, do any of you have any final things you would like to say to all your fans out there? JF: EAT MY BALLZ! IS: mine too! WB: I love small woodland creatures!!! I highly recommend them! Get in touch with nature! FIN.